Banned from The Outback

Went to Outback restaurant to celebrate my birthday. Brought all the hooligans. We have a policy of going to eat before the crowds so that we have fewer people who can disapprove of whatever it is that will happen. This was one of those rare occasions when we didn't get our act together to get out early enough. I had that sinking feeling while I was driving to the restaurant, but we were already on the road...what was I supposed to do...

First, let me relate the positives. Connor chose vegetables over french fries (“Aussie Chips”...cheeky dipsticks...). It would be our one triumph of good parenting. Damn we were smug. OK. That's it for the positives.

Negatives....hmm, where to begin. They give everyone steak knives. REAL steak knives. Kids who like movies about castles and knights should not be given knives such as these. Use your imagination. Not a good parenting triumph. Ordering food. It is standard practice in our family for everyone to talk at the waitress at the same time. Raising your voice helps. Yelling really helps. Helps to get a second wait person (funny, it's always some big guy...) assigned to the table. Bread and butter. Bread was used by the ancients as a weapon to ward off evil and sometimes, evil twins. Times have not changed for us. As a table we tend to go through a LOT of bread. Around this time the busboy starts hanging around our table.

It has been said that I am the instigator of many of the events that occur around our family. I am simply trying to help in the development of my children's super powers. Who's to say that Pat's ability to flare his nostrils incredibly wide will not one day save the world (it's SO cool- I should take a picture of it and post it...I never get tired of seeing it. It's so damn funny). My daughter can throw both of her hips out of joint at the same time. She has used this skill to get out of class (...uh, Mr.XXXXX, I think I need to go to the office and see the nurse....) She says the boys are fascinated. THAT will be an uncomfortable explanation I'll have to make to her....probably just gonna let it slide. I have admonished her to only use her powers for good, but development takes time. Anyway, progress on the development of these powers (and others) always seems to get reviewed in restaurants. Did you know that some kids can stuff both their hands into their mouth at the same time, and still make milk come out the nose? Oh yes, it's true! It's worth it just to see the look on my wife's face. These powers do tend to make us look unusual. People fear those who are different; that's all I'm saying...

We managed to make it to the entree. After a while a quiet came over the table. It allowed us to hear a ruckus going on across the restaurant. Mary and I both looked at each other with that smug “ thank god that's not our children” look. A quick glance around the table showed three chairs empty. Chairs that should have had boys in them. Upon closer scrutiny, the voices from across the room had familiar elements. Like names. I, the model of discreetness, ran across the place just in time to see one twin plant a right cross on the other (they are taking lessons....). They were in the bar. Honey, get the camera! It's the boy's first bar fight! Lucky me. Most parents don't get to see this until their kids go off to college, but I, the raiser of two boys WAY outside the second standard deviation, get to see it shortly after their ninth birthday. And, as an added bonus, I got to break up their first bar fight. One for the scrap book. For the record, all the men in the bar looked at me with a level of respect and fear usually only reserved for prizefighters and nuns. “Now that guy knows how to raise boys!” Damn straight! They can come testify at my trial. Character witness for the defense.

We won't (can't) go back there.