How to recognize good ideas

The key to taking action on good ideas is to learn to identify the bad ones, and then, once you identify one, take no action. Even better, shout down the purveyor of the bad idea. This is my new strategy that will help me make it through the summer. I don’t want to live forever; I just want to survive the summer. At least the part of it that revolves around my kids. My kids and their bad ideas. That’s the goal.
So here is a short list of clues that an idea is a bad one. It is by no means a comprehensive list. The kids have a tiger team hard at work on developing new and innovative presentation technologies in order to disguise their bad ideas as good ones. Sort of like a cloaking device.

Pay attention; here’s the list:

The conversation starts with “Dad! I have an idea!” There are variations: “I have a good idea!”, I have a great idea!” I have this awesome idea!” Lies. All lies. Change the conversation, turn up the TV, steer the car into oncoming traffic…anything to distract the advocate and derail his idea. NOTE: The daughter usually knows deep inside that her idea is bad, so she usually doesn’t use one of these key phrases. Usually her ideas are discovered after the fact, and she will use the phrase “I thought it was a {Good, Great, Awesome} idea…how was I supposed to know?!”

The idea seems like a good one, but it involves any of the following: ANY of the following:
• Fire
• Power tools
• Guns
• Car
• Ramps

Me being shot (or thrown, or suspended, or “Keeping my eyes closed” for some indeterminate period of time)

The smearing of sticky substances on me, followed by the introduction of any of the following words: Ants, rodent (or ”rodents”), weasel, ferret, badger, or alligator. Especially Alligator). Dinosaur is safe for now, but if any of them show too much of an interest in genetic engineering or recombinative biology then BANG! it goes on the list.

Any of the above mentioned animals and the phrase “poking with a spoon” Original, yes, but not good.

On second thought ANY of the above in any combination, or as a stand alone component of a larger plan.

My money.

Anything that could possibly draw the attention of, or include the untimely arrival of any branch or combination of branches of uniformed authorities (local, federal, or military- including foreign entities). Or their plain clothed counterparts.

The concept of flight. No matter how short the duration the idea calls for, the actual duration will be shorter. Trust me.

The process of “grabbing it as I go by”. This, in my experience, just requires way WAY too much coordination and timing for the current staff here to master, even in simple “good” ideas.

The roof. Any idea that starts on the roof, or moves up to the roof, always ends badly. See “concept of flight” above.

Fire. I know, I already mentioned it. But it is SOOOOOO popular, and SOOOOOOO poorly managed, that it needs to be mentioned again.

The dog, when combined with any activity involving the harnessing of her energy, enthusiasm, strength, or ferocity. In short, anything with a harness. And the dog CANNOT be present when anything involving a target is going on. She senses this on her own, but it should be reinforced. She’s been through enough.

The plea “let’s not mention this to mom”. You think?! I figured that out on my own, Einstein, but saying it out loud makes me an accomplice, and that isn’t good. I can't believe they would even bring that up! It goes without saying! Imagine that conversation...
"Honey, guess what I let the boys do today?! See, Joe had this great idea where they would ride toward each other on their motorcycles, like jousting knights, but instead of spears (which, as you might imagine, didn't work out too good), they would shoot their Airsoft machine guns at each other! I know, I know-Rad! But wait, there's more! They would both be taking jumps off ramps! Cool huh! But guess what?! It gets BETTER! They were on FIRE! YEA! I know, Awesome, huh!"
Sure, the kid may injure himself (or the dog), but he is, after all, just a kid. He will be forgiven (eventually). I, however, will not. EVER. And even worse, my wife would follow me around all day. Everywhere.

So there you go. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. You have 74 days to survive.