Suicide by drowning

I have alergies. I have had several people tell me that they have had great success and relief from "sinus irrigation" kits. I am always looking for some edge over post nasal drip, so when I was at the pharmacy picking up medicines, I grabbed a kit.

I am a man. I know how to do things without directions.

See where this is going?

I cooked up a batch of the solution, filled the bottle, and went to lie down on the bed to irrigate my sinuses. Being aware of how much water was involved, I grabbed a big towel. No fool am I.

I lied down, placed the towel behind my head (planning!) and inserted the nozzle into my nose, being carefull to form a seal with the nostril. I gave it a gentle squeeze. Nothing. The tube in the bottle extends all the way to the bottom, or in my case, the top when it was inverted, so I deduced that more force was needed. I lied back down, and this time gave it a good, strong, long squeeze. I pumped what seemed like the total contents of my pool into my nose, through my sinuses, down the back of my throat, and into my lungs. Good thing I made that seal tightly, otherwise it would have shot out both nostrils, instead of just the open one (it's true; they are indeed connected inside my head somewhere...).

In my panic, instead of easing up when I started DROWNING, I acually squeezed HARDER! Seemed like a good idea, or panic reflex, or whatever....fight or flight thing. I choked and gagged and coughed up the solution, and when I could see again ( note- self drowning causes your eyes to water and your vision to go blurry- or perhaps it was an ocular reaction to all the snot in my eyes- I'm still not sure) I read the directions. In bold- BOLD- they cautioned strongly against most of the things I had done. It turns out I was supposed to hover over the sink in a sort of "I think I'm gonna hurl" position, and slowly run it through my nose until it runs out the other nostril. I did instinctively know that a good seal in the nostril was needed. I got that right- some sort of genetic coding probably.

I can't help but think how much money I would win on America's Funniest Home Videos if I had taped it.